Monday, September 28, 2009

Dear Rigby,
I am home sick today because of a sinus infection / plague, so please excuse me if my tone is less than jovial. As your mother will no doubt tell you, I am not a very good patient, and when phlegm creeps down my throat or my ears begin to ring, I expect the world to pause in observance.

While I understand your needs will seem more pressing than my own, when my temperature climbs above 99.2 – the point at which I justify moans from the couch and requests for my socks to be heated in the microwave – we will need to make a compromise. You can have your mother’s attention first thing in the morning and most of the afternoon, but I will need forced compassion late morning and early evening.

As I lie in bed wallowing in my own self-pity, I am reminded of the many ills and abnormalities I feared would haunt you. Though each passing day has helped calm me, when you were still a blinking kernel on the ultra-sound screen, my mind was a mine field of unexpected misfortunes. Below is a sampling of my concerns:
1. You would suffer from lyconcy or “werewolves disease”- a rare condition of rapid and untamed hair growth.
2. You would be a hermaphrodite – I wasn’t concerned with the public embarrassment associated with such a situation, but I needed a firm color scheme for the nursery.
3. You would have that disease that paralyzes your nervous system so you cannot feel any physical pain which would at first be cool and remind me of Wolverine from X-Men but as the severity of such a situation took hold just be very sad.
4. Shortly after you are born Iran or some similar-minded country declares nuclear war, and my dreams of Disney World and Christmas mornings are replaced with air raids and food rations as sulfur rains from the clouds and we eat nothing but canned peaches and Miracle Whip.
5. You develop Pica – the urge to eat non-food substances – and we have to lock up the staples and forks.

There is a laundry list of others, but I will keep them to myself because I don’t want to jinx you. As your mother becomes more maternal each day, effortlessly transitioning from Melanie to Mom, I am glued to CNN, afraid that if ever elected President or the leader of an opposition movement you could be assassinated by a right-wing extremist. Just something to think about buddy.

That’s all for now my friend.
- Dad