Thursday, October 01, 2009

Dear Rigby,

Life is moving along out here. This weekend we are painting your nursery and hopefully assembling your crib. By “we” I am referring to the friends and family I have coaxed with my promises of beer and premade Costco appetizers. As you already know, I am not one for sweating, so I plan on nursing a Miller Lite by 10:00 a.m. and saying a lot of “Hey, that’s looking great.”

I apologize for the lapse in letters, but I received some disturbing news on Tuesday. Despite my unkempt, ultra-hip haircut and vast array of jeans and shirts purchased at Hollister, my ten year high school reunion has found me. When I became old enough to be a father and recipient of the “Holiday-Inn Express Welcomes Back the Collierville Class of 2000” sign, I am not sure. I had hoped to slip past this moment, the social ostracism of adolescence following me into adulthood, but it seems the convenience of Facebook has leveled the playing field. “Remember Me?” nametags are available to all, and I must make a decision.

While there are a number of old friends I have missed and would love to find, there are a handful of individuals I only want to see if the VD has spread to their faces and they are struggling to pay the minimums on their credit card bills. As you will one day realize, growing – up can leave it scars.

Though if you would have asked me ten years ago, as I strutted across that stage in cap and gown, if I would now be married, having a baby, and living back in Collierville, I would have cackled in your face and / or stabbed myself, my fate then as a famous New York actor / archeologist just within grasp. Nonetheless, I thought it would be fun to continue projecting outlandish scenes of future fortunes by anticipating our lives at your tenth birthday.

It’s the year 2019, and we are living in an old plantation style house (minus the underlying current of racism) just outside of Atlanta, Nashville, or Ashville. We have acres of land for you to disregard as you sit in your room reading Crime and Punishment and tinkering with theories that will later become the cure for cancer. Your mother is radiant and spends her days doing some kind of activity that does not make me sound sexist. I will have just published my second book, a highly anticipated follow-up to my grotesquely successful first collection of essays, Masculinity and Me. During the summers you will join me on my book tours, traveling the world together as we pause for readings in Paris, Milan, and Tokyo. The Concord jet tends to be a bit nippy, so be sure to pack a sweater.

Just some things to look forward to. That’s all for now my friend.
- Dad